With the "horse show hangover" already upon me, I feel the best remedy will be to write. I seem to feel drawn to writing after shows, I believe that's because I get so into my emotions during the process of both preparing for and participating in competition. I am an emotional creature, to begin with, but with the added pressure I become very reflective about the changes that have happened in my life that afford me the ability to be present in such an enriching way.

This past weekend was a very large milestone in both my life and my riding career. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be able to ride, let alone compete at Third Level, so after having swallowed that pill (no pun intended) with a full heart I was hoping for the best as we set our goals for the show.

The relationship you have with your trainer, in my view, is so important. For me, it is built on trust and is the cornerstone of all kinds of growth in my riding career, which even blooms into my personal life. I have gotten the gift of knowing Patty quite well as she employs me five days a week, and is my trainer. When she told me she wanted me to do Third Level, after only being in consistent training for 7 months, I was excited and petrified at the same time. Because I trust her expertise, I did all I could to absorb our training sessions until I came down with a case of "show brain." This happens to me before every competition, I will be progressing along in training and come to a screeching halt and even regression in my riding. I become so taken over by fear that I lose the ability to be present and ride my ride. Luckily so far at every competition, I seem to be able to pull a rabbit out of a hat, but it is worrisome!

Patty giving Bob and Elyse last minute coaching before stepping into the arena.Photo by: Leslie Lange — **Patty giving Bob and Elyse last minute coaching before stepping into the arena.**
Photo by: Leslie Lange

Because I have a history of teaching kids dressage basics, which I plan to continue in the future, I have lost my amateur status. This means that I have to compete in the "open division" which is mostly comprised of people who have been riding professionally all their lives. In the open division, the scores you need to qualify for championships are higher and the competition is often steeper because of the amount of experience and professionalism other riders exhibit.

You can imagine the intense nausea that came over me when the class lists were sent out and I saw that I was competing against an Olympic Medalist, riders who have competed internationally, and other lifelong professionals. That is the neat thing about living in Los Angeles, at your local show you can have the opportunity of riding against people of such distinction. But again, let us revisit the nausea!!

My concern and fears were that I would do horribly, embarrass Patty, Bob, and myself, and have the judge thinking to herself or even write on my score sheet, "WHY ARE YOU IN THIS CLASS?!' This is where my faith in Patty kicked in, but I was terrified!

When we arrived at the show facility on Friday to ride the horses at the show grounds and practice in their arena, I was completely choked up by my anxieties. Bob was tense and spooky and rather than giving him confidence that he was safe and helping him get to work, I fed into his energy and was not able to have a productive ride. This brought my pre-show jitters to a whole new level. I wanted to scratch from the show and just act like it was never supposed to happen. Luckily (and what felt like very unluckily at the time), I knew that this wouldn't be acceptable to Patty, so I didn't even float this idea to her. I headed home with my anxiety in tow and had a nightmare that I fell off Bob during the show and he was running loose around the grounds.

As I headed to the show on a beautiful sunny and crisp Saturday morning, doing my best to not ruin the experience that had not yet begun, I was overcome with emotion because these feelings of fear and not belonging, were all too familiar.

When I got sober, I was so overwhelmed with just being alive. There were so many reasons I could come up with not to even fight the battle of getting sober, I was convinced it wasn't even worth a try. I felt like everyone else had a leg-up on life, some sort of secret I wasn't told, and I felt like I didn't belong. I didn't understand how people just walked around with one foot in front of the other like it was no big thing. I was so overwhelmed with it all. Joining life at the age of 25, I felt so far behind everyone. Was it too late to even make an honest attempt now? Everyone seemed to be so established, how was I to be an adult when I couldn't manage the simplest of tasks and emotions? The duality of these feelings became so clear to me as I could feel my heart beating in my throat through all my anxiety.

How was I going to fare in such a competitive group of women at this competition? How was there room for me in such a class. Is it too late for me to aspire to be a professional after missing out on so many years of riding? I don't have the same financial backing as most professionals, why should I even try?

Photo by: Matt Woodman & Mia Rodier-Dawallo Photography

I rob myself, more than any other person ever has robbed me, of opportunity. When I press play on the tape of my self-doubt, when I believe these self-defeating thoughts, and I become scared to take a leap of faith that presents the opportunity for growth because I am afraid of failure and what others will think, I lose.

I can most definitely work on being present under pressure with a more level head, but I am so grateful that I took the risk of falling on my face because this weekend was such an eye-opening experience. Bob and I received two qualifying scores for Third Level, improving on our score amid wild winds and gusts of 40MPH the second day of the show. I'm not saying I have yet found a sense of belonging, but rather a state and sense of being. I can be who I am, and bring what I bring to the ring, In my own way. Opportunities for growth arent always (and for me are most often not) on the back of success. I made plenty of mistakes this weekend in my tests and in general that I can use as a guide to improve on. Learning to manage acute anxiety in sobriety is a muscle I am still strengthening, but the best thing I have done yet is to just keep going. Going on my journey of sobriety, going on my journey back into the saddle.

Nothing meaningful for me is ever easy. Today, I refuse to lose to missed opportunity, and I know that's because of the incredible people who have been so intricately sewn into my life. Letting things play out instead of continually stunting my growth has changed my perception about life and how I have no idea where this road is leading. The world is opening up around me in a way I could have never foreseen, and I cant wait to see what comes next.

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