Bob and I, at Bailiwick House 2020. Photo by Tracy Bartley

Today I am five years sober, and I absolutely can not believe that. If you would have told me, or anyone in my life five years ago that I would have made it to this point, I don't think we would have believed you. I relapsed more times than I or anyone else could count. My confidence was diminished with each new attempt at sobriety. I felt like even trying was a waste of time and more and emotionally exhausting to my loved ones as I would give a glimmer of hope and take it away within days or weeks.

It had been about six months since the relapse of heroin use that put me in the hospital. My parents and I went on a getaway to Cancun, all ready for a little escape, which naturally I had found a way to ruin.

Staying at an absolutely beautiful five-star all-inclusive resort, upon arrival they handed us drinks. Before I realized one was in my hand, it was already in my stomach. If I squeeze my brain, I recall having pre-meditated thoughts on the plane and thinking to myself, that I was going to drink and that I had deserved to do so. They were very vague, but even I was shocked that I had taken a drink of something before I had really planned to do so. I typically in relapse have a false sense of control that is far more thought out. I had fallen off the wagon so many times in my life before, but I recall a deeply permeating disgusting feeling that I was drinking again, another total loss of control.

Of course, as an alcoholic is at an all-inclusive resort, I was on a play date with the devil. I remember my surprise as I arrived at the poolside bar. I ordered four shots of tequila with nobody in sight to share them with... and they just handed them to me. No weird look dealt, no bill to be paid. What a paradise! I was in Heaven. My parents were circling the rings of hell. When I take a drink, I experience an allergy that creates a need for more and more and more. Many alcoholics will have an attempt at "controlling and enjoying their drinking." When I am controlling, I am not enjoying, so down the rabbit hole, I went. My moms knew what experience had taught them, there was nothing they could do until the allergy I had created within myself was exhausted. I know they were kicking themselves for bringing me to an all-inclusive resort, but I believe I would have drank even if it had not been. I am not sure how long we were there, but I was sloppily drunk until the last few days, and I don't know how I was able to stop even then, now as I think about it.

Upon returning home I was absolutely disgusted with myself. This was a new kind of dread than I had ever felt before. Was I really going to die from this, and was there really something I could do to change my fate? I contacted a woman who had sponsored me in a previous sobriety when I was in rehab at the age of 19. I really looked up to her, respected her, and I really "wanted what she had." The influence she had over my life before had left a lasting effect that I was yearning for. I told her what I had made of my life in the years that had passed, and I begged her to sponsor me again and help me. She said yes, immediately taking me under her wing, and I am so grateful she did.

At this moment, I believe the universe offered me a window of grace, and I walked through it. I had a very strong network of women who were willing to help me. I was extremely uncomfortable in my skin for many months, but at this point, I figured I was going to be in pain sober or not, might as well get sober. Much of my early sobriety is a huge blur, as I was coming out of the storm of a self-made psychosis of fog and misery.

In the beginning months and years of my sobriety, people I really loved and cared about in my life and my family were finding joy in being around me again. I cry as I write this because I never thought this would be possible for me. I had caused such deep pain, chaos, and anguish constantly stealing serenity from the lives of all I knew and loved. I am not sure if they saw something different about me at that time, or if they were just afraid I was going to die. Whatever the case, it motivated me to keep going.

Sometimes life happens, and it's ugly. In my sobriety, I have faced many disappointments, lost family members, beloved animals, and suffered two miscarriages. All of these experiences were painful, but they were rich with the opportunity to let the universe play a role in my life, and trust that God has a plan. These experiences helped me to reach outward to the people who loved and supported me, rather than inward grabbing for remaining self-hate and destruction.

Mike and I on our wedding day, March 2018.

Sometimes life happens, and it's beautiful. In my sobriety I have been able to mend relationships with my loved ones, I have been able to meet my biological mother and biological sister, and I am in contact with other members of my biological family. I met Mike, who quickly became the love of my life. When we met and were first dating, I went into congestive heart failure after two short months of courtship and once again needed open-heart surgery. He stayed by my side, loving me through sickness and health from day one. We had a fairytale wedding, at the Inn of the Seventh Ray, where I had told my parents I wished to be wed when I was a little girl. Our son Jax joined us, who has been such a life-changing blessing to our lives and to our family. Watching Jax grow, and watching him with his dad and his grandmothers leave me in an overwhelming state of awe of what has become of my life, and what I almost missed out on. I started riding, digging deeper into my love of horses than ever before. I am getting to lease Bob, the horse of a lifetime, under such powerful, meaningful, resonating mentorship and instruction from Patty. Every day that I get to ride, it is truly the biggest gift. Riding is my daily dose of fresh air and meditation, giving me the ability to be present and one with an incredible animal. I never knew what a powerful influence riding could have over my life, but it has blossomed into something that has totally transformed me.

Walking down the isle at Inn of The Seventh Ray, March 2018

I recently had an echocardiogram and the results came in that my heart and the prosthetic valve are functioning well. I am so grateful. I know that I will require open-heart surgery every 7 years, at the doctor's estimation. Sometimes the thought of this overwhelms me, but it also helps me to pull the most out of every day, and every ride.

My Mothers and I on my wedding day, Inn of the Seventh Ray, 2018.

The last five years have taught me that anything is possible. Anything. Always hold onto your hope. When I am having hard days, when I am in reflection, wondering if my hopes and dreams will come to fruition, I say a prayer and stay out of the universes way, for it has designed a more beautiful and fulfilling life than I could have made in a dream. Thank you endlessly for all the many many people who have played roles in my life large and small. I am who I am because of your support and I love you all.

My biological sister Amanda and I, on her first visit to California, 2019.

Jaxon with his Savta Gayle, God-Sister Rose, and pony PJ, 2019.

My barn buds “The Bailiwick Babes”, and our trainer and mentor Patty Mayer at Southen California Equestrian Center, 2020.

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