Elyse & Bob flying at Spirit Equestrian June 2022. Photo by Terry Wall

In the time since my last blog, much has changed. I know most of my readers follow along with my social media accounts and know about these changes- but for people who don’t here’s a little recap.

Two weeks after my dream of making it to PSG with Bob came to fruition, he was injured (the night of my birthday & 2 days before I turned 6 years sober) in his stall and was laid up for quite some time afterward. As dramatic as it may sound I’ll never forget falling to my knees while the vet talked to us on the phone and told the tale of what could be with Bob's ongoing health. I felt like someone had ripped out the heart of newfound purpose I had found in the saddle. I felt horrible for Bob since he loves to work, it was hard to see him in pain. This is where my confusion began about my purpose with horses. If this is what I was meant to be doing, why was this happening?

Visiting Bob at Alamo Pintado Equine Hospital November 2021

Pretty miraculously, much sooner than we had expected he began a slow return to work which we knew was a return we were lucky to have at all as the prognosis we got for him was quite guarded. It took about 6 months for him to return to full work. This whole process was more earth-shattering for me possibly than it should have been, but truthfully that's how it felt. I didn’t understand why this was happening and was devastated that our partnership could be limited or come to a close.

Bob and my son Jaxon shortly after Bob returned from the hospital. Photo by Tess Michelle Photograpy

About a month after Bob's injury I was kicked in the stomach by a horse which caused a laceration of my splenic vein and subsequent internal bleeding. I was taken into surgery where they removed my spleen and 2/3 of my pancreas. It wasn’t until I obtained my medical records that I also found out I had a rib fracture and a partially collapsed lung. I haven’t written about this injury in detail because honestly it’s taken so long to digest.

Horses for me are the key. The key that fits and slides perfectly into the lock. The missing piece you lost to a puzzle only to find in the back of a closet a decade later. The giant bowl of hot soup that you crave after getting caught in the rain. The big hug you need from your mom after a heartbreak or disappointment. Horses are all of that and more for me. They provide me regulation, love, support, meditation, mental health, partnership, healing, happiness and so many other things that I literally would not be able to draw a sober breath without. They of course also do come with challenges and heartbreaks in a class of their own, but that is what provides the contrast of coping.

After being nearly deathly injured by a horse at first I was so confused. It felt like being with horses and riding horses was what had formed such a strong cornerstone in my sobriety, and what was grounding me in life. I felt like horses had saved my life and with a kick of a leg that life was almost taken. As I am always trying to listen to the universe, I was having a hard time understanding what the universe was trying to tell me and teach me.

Things were pretty rough. As a recovering opiate addict what initially scared me more than anything else was having to take prescription pain medication. I have had 2 open heart surgeries - childbirth labor that lasted four days… I would like to think I have an understanding of real pain. After heart surgery, I take pain meds typically for a week to 10 days. After this injury & surgery, I was in so much pain that I was prescribed a stronger med than I usually get after heart surgery, I was on it for a month and then had to do a taper off of it because I went into withdrawals when I tried to discontinue. I am so incredibly grateful that this prescription did not cause a relapse and that I was able to take it as prescribed by my Dr. and still have my sobriety intact. I have more now than ever to lose in this life of mine…. But most times, even knowing that isn’t enough. Addiction is a nasty disease. It is a leech of life and everything good in the world. It’s a disease that has put my brother in prison and taken the life of my cousin. I will ALWAYS have a healthy fear and respect for this disease.

An hour after my discharge from the hospital my husband- parents and son were positive for covid so I went to stay with my son's godmother and her family. They took care of me in a way that I’ll never forget and made the best of a very challenging time. It was horrible to miss my son's Christmas as I was in the hospital and then start the new year away from them. On the 10th day of my isolation from them, I too had a positive covid test and was somehow completely asymptomatic (I also later found out that I was exposed to Covid at the hospital.) I was probably the only person to ever look at a covid test with a positive result and be happy, now I could go home! My son was afraid of me at first because I had surgery drains still and had been gone for almost 3 weeks. That was almost more painful than my injuries but I was so happy to be under the same roof as him again.

Things were tense with family as nobody really knew what to make of my accident and if it would be safe for me to be with horses moving forward. I honestly didn’t know. I am told by the cardiac surgeon I need heart surgery about every 7 years (it’s been 5 since my last one) so the argument was that my body could not sustain another injury. I felt lost and devastated. Bob was hurt. I was hurt. What was going on here?

I developed PTSD that I would say was pretty substantial. I was afraid of my loved ones getting hurt all the time. I would wake up in sweats after dreams. I would have flashbacks and intense visualizations of horrible things happening. It’s a weird sensation for the creature that’s brought you the most peace and healing to become your haunting.

I don’t even really know how but I started to gently dip my toes back in the waters of being with Bob. The connection I have with him was snagged at my soul. I still felt safe with him on the ground which is all I could do at the time anyway. Not too long after that, I was in the saddle again.

Pure Joy my first ride back on Bob since both of our injuries. February 2022

Celebrating my first ride back with Bob’s co-owner and dear friend who’s support I would have been lost without, Heidi Marusa.

After moving Bob to a different barn at Spirit Equestrian and beginning training with Madeline Woodman & Kim Kulesa, Bob and I started to get some confidence in each other, more than we had ever had before and that’s when I knew I was safe. Bob is a spooky and reactive horse. It’s my understanding that he has always been that way. It’s no secret how much I love and adore bob and I was crushed to think that he would not be a safe partner for me any longer.

All smiles on a beautiful foggy morning with trainers Kim Kulesa & Madeline Woodman. Photo by Elena Dotoli

He started to quickly show me how much more of a reliable listener he could be and that’s when I truly breathed a sigh of relief. Since then we have been on our way. We are getting to know one another in a new way & are learning a new language together. It’s a process I love.

Our first time schooling our freestyle. Photo by Heidi Marusa

We made our way back into the show ring and danced for three qualifying scores at our third level freestyle and are now qualified for championships in September. This is a big bright dream of mine and I’m so grateful for those around me who are making me feel safe enough to stay my path and making it possible for me to continue in my healing.

Spirit show June 2022. Photo by Terry Wall

Every small success we have tasted in these last months is so sweet. I savor each one as they feel like little conformations from the universe to keep riding my line. That this is where I’m supposed to be, this is what I’m supposed to be doing. Of course, it’s exciting to meet big goals people see on the surface, but for me, they run deep. They pull me into reflection about how much my life has changed. I used to be a homeless heroin addict and I am now a Mom. A wife. A daughter. A friend. A dressage rider. All these things are my purpose and are the gifts of my equine lifeline.

Giving thanks to Bob after our first show back. Photo by Terry Wall

Life is full of ups and downs and all arounds but today I am grateful for them all, for the lessons, for the love, for life.

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