The Sweet & Sour of Seven

To be an addict is to live in hell. I didn’t see a day that I would be able to live without medicating myself in one way or another. Sick of spirit, body, and mind all I came to know was how to abscond from reality, responsibility, and anything that would even resemble a feeling. I think that’s why I eventually just gave up on life. I became accustomed to tampering those feelings down by tying off, melting into the tiny pocket of my consciousness (or not so consciousness) where I could hide until my temporary haven would expire, then I would start the whole process again...again, & again.

To live (or die) like this, the cost of admission is quite high. Frankly, you give your soul. I did things I never thought possible for me to maintain my addiction. A true deal with the devil, I did what I had to. I lied, I cheated, I stole, and the list goes on. Heartbreaking family members are the highest paid tax when you are living that life. To see the pain on my loved ones' faces when I felt my life had been hijacked & I could not control my actions, was the worst feeling. Of course, rather than dealing with that, it was just fuel to the fire of why I was such a piece of shit and would never deserve a beautiful life, I just dug in deeper.

Im not sure when this photo was taken, I was living in a compound in LA, addicted to heroin, meth & xanex.

The problem with heroin addiction is that there is a physical as well as psychological (and emotional) addiction to the substance. I would get high, and then the clock would be ticking down until I would be ill again. I was in a horribly abusive relationship, my life was a dank dark cloud. At this point of my disease, the "fun" had long run out. A living dead girl, I was always scheming, hustling, always paranoid, never satisfied, sick, angry, and sad. I started doing other drugs in addition because the high would not present the same relief anymore. A horrible and pathetic way to “live life.” Now, was this of my own design? Absolutely. But I never EVER thought in my worst nightmare that my world would become what it did. If you would have shown me what the ugliness of the endgame would be as I took that first hit, I never would have believed you.

I recently found this photo and it gives me the chills. It was April 15, 2014 but that doesn’t really mean anything to me other than this was about 6 months before my first heart surgery. I was wasting away by the day. My little dog Chloe was the only comfort life had come to offer.

When my heart gave out, to me it was truly symbolic of the state of my life. I was literally heartbroken. Heroin was the love of my life and I didn’t ever want to be without it. After going into heart failure, the fact that I was hooked up to machines and in a hospital for so long is really what saved me because I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t breathe without oxygen. Sick with sepsis I didn’t know what was real or what was a delusion from high fever.

Heartbreaking as it is, after healing from my first open-heart surgery, I got high again. Of course, I landed right back in the hospital. It felt for a moment like I had escaped the prison of piercing raw feelings and the effort that would be needed to repair my life, only to be back in the custody of reality, which once again, I had made worse. The logic that a stab wound would be healed only by continuing to stab at it seems to be the addict's rationale. If my writing can’t get across to you the misery & desperation an addict lives in, that action of getting high after REALLY knowing and believing it would kill me this time, should. I was not suicidal yet rolling the dice of relief still was worth it. It feels important to narrate how an addict feels and the hopelessness that comes when we feel we can't change the trajectory of our life because I know that many people who read my blog have a loved one who is suffering. Nothing is personal when it comes to addiction. In active addiction, the one you love is almost living on a different plane than you, in a different form of existence.

Every year around my sobriety anniversary, almost before I see the date approaching on the calendar, I know it's nearing because I always seem to go into reflection about how different my life is now. The last seven years have brought in-numerous gifts. By far, the grandest is, that I can wake, open my eyes and take a deep breath of air and think about the day I get to have ahead, rather than "coming to," gasping for air, patting down my body to see if I'm all intact, trying to put together the pieces, figure out where I am and what I've been doing, and then being slammed with the sudden dread that I am dope sick & need drugs.

You might wonder why I started a blog that is being written as a celebration of my sobriety by recounting the dark of my disease, and it is because I have to. If I get too involved in the beauty of life, if I don't remember the broken girl I used to be and the path she stumbled on, history is only more likely to repeat itself. The disease of addiction loves to convince people that have recovered that they don't have it anymore, and this is something I refuse to let happen to me. I know that although I am "better" being an addict is something that will always be a part of me no matter how many pages flip on a calendar. Knowing this helps keep me safe from thinking I can do things like drink in moderation, which I've proven many times before that I cannot do.

Elyse & Bob flying during our freestyle at Los Angeles Equestrian Center Championships. Lauren Ashley Photo & Film.

Sometimes life happens and it's beautiful. This past year has been full of healing and horses. Many people in my family joke that I have had the best years of my life with my return to horses amid a pandemic and it is hilarious because it is true. I have peace and clarity of mind that I was sure did not exist. I have freedom from all substances including nicotine. I trust myself. I am (most of the time) kind to myself. I have the trust of many I love and admire. I have an amazing family and loving friends that I get to share all of this growth and joy with. I have a little boy (that I never thought I would get to have) who I get to watch grow day by day right before my eyes.

The greatest joy in my life is sharing the & magic of horses with my little pony boy. He adores “Wes” owned by Karen Schumaker.

I get to wake up each day and feel like I live a purposeful life and bring serenity to those I used to steal it from. Bob who was injured one year ago, has made a full recovery from an injury that we were told we were very lucky to be planning a rehab for and not euthanasia. We attended our first Championships show and had a blast. We continue to grow, heal & train together. This year I stood next to my best friend of almost 20 years (and a few lifetimes) as her maid of honor on her big day. This year I got to travel to Wisconsin & Chicago to meet lots of my biological family. Jax got to meet several of his cousins. Things today blow me away. It really is a beautiful, beautiful life.

Elyse & Bob at Spirit Equestrian doing our freestyle for our first qualifying score. Photo by Terri Wall

With my biological brothers and sister at Shedd Aquarium in Chicago

Joy at the wedding of Mr. & Mrs. Clark, Palm Desert 2022

Sometimes life happens and it's ugly. It can't always be rubies and roses. But this is where you stay sober no. Matter. What. These are the moments that define me and give life its contrast. Last December after my accident I was terrified about continuing on my return to horses and was hit with PTSD in life generally that I am still navigating.

FaceTime with Bob during my hospitalization, because what crazed horse girl wouldn’t!

It was incredibly hard to be on such severe pain meds for a prolonged period but I had support every step of the way. As wild as things can get in life I seem to always have someone in my corner suited to support me with what's at hand. All I can do is trust in the universe. It's so hard when things are still in play to have the forethought to trust that everything will be okay. Many times things don't go to plan. My plan, that is. Who am I in these moments? This is what my sobriety is all about. The best thing I can do is to take the next right indicated action and then stay the F#$% out of the universe's way. I have a support system beyond my wildest dreams and that is the biggest asset a girl like me could have.

Being spoiled with sugar & love at my 33rd birthday/ 7 year sobriety party with Heidi, Maddie & Kim.

If you love someone who is an addict, I write these blogs for you. Please know that I am always here to share support and truth with you. I find healing in shining light on ugly things. So many people in our world are suffering from addiction in one way or another and I don't feel it does any good to suffer in darkness and silence, that's just what this nasty disease would want.

I thank all of you who support me through this life today and every day. I love you all and I am forever indebted to you for all of your love and light. So many of you give to me in ways you might not even perceive. Thank you all for your encouragement and also for allowing me to share my journey with you as it develops. This girl is dreaming. This girl is doing. What a life!

All smiles thanking Bob for the ride. Photo by Terri Miller