Hart Share
Photo By: Elena Dotoli
Time for a Little HartShare:
In my lesson with Kim today, I experienced a beautiful moment that inspired me to write…
It was super windy, and while most horses can become reactive to things flapping about in the wind, Bob is especially sensitive to the leaves that blow off the trees lining our arena and land on his face. While we certainly don’t baby him when it comes to the world’s distractions, Kim and I had discussed keeping things fair for him and not continuing the ride if we felt he was over-faced by his environment.
This horse really blows me away. The principled and purposeful training outline Kim has given me really blows me away. And the ability to carry the lessons I learn with Kim and Bob in the saddle into life—that truly blows me away. Was he reactive a few times? Sure. But even more so, he was trusting. He allowed me to guide him, to give him input, to sync our breath, to be one. To learn. To communicate energetically. To feel. And I know that sounds cheesy, but it’s a real feeling—one that doesn’t quite have a word.
In the past, I became very fearful of Bob’s reactivity. We fed off each other’s energy and became further disconnected. I would bring an anxiety to our rides that was pervasive and palpable to Bob. He believed my anxiety more than he believed my actions, even though they were laced with my fake it till you make it attitude. I could and have created a bad ride where one might not have existed. Today I didn’t let the subtle foreshadowing of something that hadn’t even happened yet join us on this ride. I grabbed hold of the quiet confidence we have found in recent months with my humility in tow. I really didn’t have any preconceived notions. And I’m so glad.
What a beautiful ride. What an experience.
After a few rounds of practicing our 3s on varying lines, when we took a break in the walk, I just started to cry. Tears of joy, of course, but also infused with other emotions—gratitude first, always. Relief. Connection. Grounding. Fulfillment. Abundance. Having a space to make these kinds of discoveries in, is what I believe “the work” is all about. And I thank Kim from the bottom of my heart for providing an arena where we can go on this treasure hunt. The tears were not because my horse was obedient, though he was. It was because, in carrying me, he gives me the bravery to be vulnerable & exposed in the process of learning. Bob peels back the layers of my heart with ease because he teaches me things I didn’t even know my heart would be fed by in having learned them. To feel limitless and powerful WITH an animal I once felt powerless over—that is an experience of harmonious dimension. It felt so special to experience Bob leading me into a place in his mind and heart further than I ever thought he would. Welcoming me there. Being with me there. And in turn, it peeled back a layer of my own heart that I didn’t even know existed. One of radical acceptance, accountability & deliverance from ego. All in that high wind.
There have been extreme highs and lows on this journey…But through the swirling emotions, I’ve learned to take the lessons, the grief, the extreme joy in stride— so the pendulum does not swing so severely when these inevitable changes take place. I think that’s what Bob feels in me the most—this shift in me —has allowed us this grace of progression. And it’s why he is able to believe in me as a leader— his leader. From someone who was once so afraid of this horse, so afraid of making a mistake, so afraid of learning… it has been an incredible discovery to allow a process to take shape without attachment to the outcome. To accept life on life’s terms. To not be so rocked by an experience that I rob myself of an opportunity for growth & learning.
Several people work together in my life to allow me the opportunity to own a horse and participate in this sport. It is an egregious expense for our family, and for years in my addiction I did countless things to make myself unworthy of this gift…yet, somehow, Bob and I found each other— and now it’s ours. It’s the double edged sword I have fallen on many times. It’s why I take this gift so seriously. Why I am afraid to have setbacks or failures. I don’t want to let these dear ones down. I placed so much unnecessary pressure on myself that has NEVER been applied by any of these wonderful people who make this happen. It was a block in my riding. In the last few months after coming to this realization and removing these pressures- accepting this gift and sacrifice without conditions — I have been able to ride from a meditative mindset, embracing our “mistakes & failures”… even beyond that and more importantly, I’ve been able to learn from them. By removing myself from the outcome of a training session, from a checklist of goals, from what I think this journey ought to look like—I allow myself to make mistakes… (which one makes anyways.) And those mistakes have been the gateway to my ability to learn. By learning not to take my communications with Bob personally, I have gained the ability to process his responses—appropriate or otherwise—not as something personal, but as information. As data, that I am able to constructively put to work in our training.
It’s not about the hours you put in the saddle, the expensive price tag your horse came with, or the level at which they can perform. For me, this sport is about toughening my mind—finding a line of mental strength paired with a soft heart that allows me the finesse to pilot such a sensitive animal. It’s about discovering a well of limitless determination, balanced by the willingness to be humbled and to learn.
What a gift.
The world around you is a constant illusion, dictated by what your mind thinks you should see—painted through a lens of emotion, blended with past experiences and anticipated/ projected experience. So many of our new experiences are hindered because of this lens. But finding the bravery that Bob provides—the bravery to start each new day as its own day, each ride as its own ride, each moment as its own moment—has given me growth, clarity, and comfort beyond what words could ever hold.
Thank you for coming along for the ride.
Photos by: Tess Michelle Photography & Terri Miller
