Saddle Up
Riding my first pony Shamu at Knolls Ranch in a horse show
I figured what makes the most sense when starting this blog is to write pieces of biography for people who don't know me, or even for people who think they do. I was born in Van Nuys and adopted at birth by a lesbian Jewish couple, and as unique as this sounds, this was about the most normal thing that has happened in my life! As a kid, I was around many others who were also adopted by same-sex couples. It seemed to me that if you had 2 parents that love you, you are just as normal as everyone else. Looking back at my life, being adopted did give me nagging anxiety I didn't at the time know I had, but we will get into that another day!
At the age of 4, I rode a horse for the first time and fell in love. Riding became a passion that took over our lives. I remember doing lead line shows when I was very young, riding several days a week. Everything was all horses, all the time! I loved going to horse camp during the summers and was happiest at the barn.
As I entered my teenage years, I started to feel uncomfortable in my skin in such an intense way. I felt like an alien among earthlings. I was sure that my creator had implanted something in everyone else and had forgotten about me. I couldn't understand how everyone else was able to walk around and do life. The most simple task became overwhelming. As I alienated myself from others, I found alcohol. When I would drink, feelings would flood in that this is what I was missing! I felt like I had taken my first real breath. How amazing and relieving that I had found a solution, so I thought. I became fixated on any situation that would provide me an opportunity to drink. All of my attention was driven towards the next time I would feel relief.
People have different beliefs about alcoholism and addiction, but I believe it's something that I was born with. In my view, I am not an alcoholic because of anything that did or did not happen to me. I believe I am an alcoholic because it is genetic, and I suffer from a spiritual malady. I believe I will always be an alcoholic, and if I don't do something to treat it, I will drink again. I live with a healthy fear of this disease and what it's done and can still do to my life.
After a trip to a wilderness program and a boarding school, lasting a bit over a year, I came home with high hopes that life would start anew. I started riding again and found temporary happiness. I was able to stay sober for a little more than 2 years. I had no idea that I was not yet even fully in the grips of this disease...Many people relapse with the belief that they are not truly alcoholic, and therefore drinking again will be "different." Contrary in my case, I always believed myself to be an alcoholic, and therefore thought I was destined to drink. I didn't really care anymore. All I wanted was a relief from the constant nagging feeling that seemed to be plaguing me.
Over the years I became what the doctors would call a "chronic relapser." I would have bouts of sobriety lasting a few days to 6 months, always with new promises to the ones that loved me (and even myself) that this was the end! I was finally done getting loaded. And because I had not truly done anything to treat that spiritual malady, I would again find myself drunk. When you drink the way I did, you develop a tolerance. A tolerance to the alcohol, and even more so an intolerance to being without. The only time I was able to find relief anymore would be in a blackout. Moments of consciousness became more and more painful with each awakening.
Enter, heroin. Now I had truly "arrived." Heroin was God's gift to this earth, that I was certain was intended for me. When I used it I felt like I was wrapped in a magical warm and protective blanket that nobody could take from me. Alcohol made me so sloppy and was hardly working anymore. Heroin might make me seem a little sleepy, but I was sure it was magic and became my new love affair. Suddenly the people in my life thought I was doing better because I stopped reeking of booze. I thought I was doing well! Wow, I had finally quit drinking! It makes me laugh now, that I subscribed to the thought that I was "evolved" and using heroin was such a better idea. This is the true insanity of this disease. To my core thought I was on a new path. My perception was so broken. I had become so maladjusted from life and reality.
For many years the consequences and spiritual debt I had to pay, were worth the moments of relief that being high would provide. After an amount of time which I don't recollect, almost everyone in my life wanted nothing to do with me. I went through several other bouts of "sobriety" always with new promises. Each time I was sober and would relapse. Like a vampire, I was draining all hope from my loved ones. It seemed soon as I had them convinced this was really it, I would use again. I had gotten down to probably under 100lbs. I looked like walking death. I was living in someone's attic in Hollywood, and I had burned my life to the ground...little did I know, this was just the beginning of the end.
